The Ultimatum...NBA Version
I am willing to give up my time to watch three things: NBA Basketball, NFL Football, and wacky, out-there dating-related reality TV. Not sure what this says about me, but I get the same buzz of excitement the night before Netflix drops the next six episodes of Love is Blind as I do watching the countdown for NFL RedZone on Sunday afternoon. My latest adventure has been navigating the emotional rollercoaster of Netflix’s The Ultimatum. For those who haven’t had the pleasure, The Ultimatum brings together four long-term couples in which one half of the couple has given the other a marriage ultimatum. Each couple gets the opportunity to “break up” (sure, we’re buying that) before entering two trial marriages: one with someone brand new, followed by one with the partner they came with. At the end of the “experiment,” the couples have to make a choice. They can either get married, break up, leave single, or start a relationship with someone new. Why does this matter? Well, it’s a great watch, and I want more friends to talk about the fun twists, reality TV firsts, and compelling storylines. More importantly, consider a formal petition: I am nominating the NBA to be cast for season four of The Ultimatum.
What would this look like? Well, we’d follow the exact same format. Teams and key players that are looking for a more firm commitment. Who issues the ultimatum? It depends on the situation! For our season, we’ll do a two-week “trial swap” where players flip to another team. We’ll judge the situation based on what we think the player and the front office would secretly feel—and then decide if they want to do the ‘ole “stick or twist” (crossing reality TV here, thanks Love Island). We threw our net wide and landed on a star-studded cast for our NBA Ultimatum.
Ultimatum Issuers: Miami Heat / Ultimatum Receiver: Jimmy Butler
Miami has had the pleasure of experiencing the full Jimmy Butler experience. Butler is currently on the last committed year of his three-year extension, with a $52M player option remaining in 2026. The Heat have been perennial overachievers in Butler’s tenure, making improbable runs to the 2020 and 2023 NBA Finals as well as the 2022 Eastern Conference Finals. “Playoff Jimmy” was in full effect during each run.
2020 Playoffs: Averaged 22.2 points, 6.5 rebounds, and 6.0 assists. Knocked off Giannis and the Bucks in the Eastern Conference Semifinals and Tatum/Brown and the Celtics in the Eastern Conference Finals.
2022 Playoffs: Averaged 27.4/7.4/4.6, knocking out Joel Embiid and the 76ers in the Eastern Conference Semifinals.
2023 Playoffs: Averaged 26.9/6.5/5.9, again knocking off the Bucks and the Celtics.
In each playoff, Jimmy had iconic moments. The driving force on the offensive and defensive side, he vaulted himself into the bonafide “superstar” tier. I’m not sure what the exact minute cutoff is, but a 40-minute clutch playoff performance highlight reel must qualify one as an NBA superstar.
So…why the ultimatum? The Miami Heat under coach Erik Spoelstra and GM/President of Basketball Operations Pat Riley are a no-nonsense operation. Jimmy Butler? Wouldn’t make the NBA top 100 if nonsense was factored into the ranking. That nonsense isn’t much of a factor when it translates to winning basketball—or even when it translates to playing basketball. Jimmy’s relationship with regular-season basketball has been somewhat questionable over the past eight seasons. Since joining the Heat, Jimmy has played in the following number of regular-season games: 58, 52, 57, 64, 60. Even more concerning for the organization has been the intensity and focus in December, January, and February. This has put the Heat behind the eight ball in terms of understanding who they are as a team and avoiding the play-in game. Jimmy has been the boyfriend who shows up for the big moments but can’t be counted on to flip the laundry. Or empty the dishwasher. Or take the dog for a walk. You get the gist. The Heat organization appreciates what Jimmy has done for them to date, but they’re ready for him to commit fully or move onto something more reliable.
Ultimatum Issuers: Golden State Warriors / Ultimatum Receiver: Jonathan Kuminga
All the conversations about Jonathan Kuminga obviously aren’t really about Jonathan Kuminga. Golden State has an aging all-time, game-changing superstar, and they are up against the clock to take advantage of the window. Steph Curry is still Steph, Draymond Green is still Dray, and the Warriors are still in desperate need of another on-ball shot creator to take some of the creative load off of the two-man, split action that drives much of the Warriors' offensive flow. Kuminga has quietly put together a really strong season. Many of my criticisms of him in the past center on the blasé type of approach he takes to non-on-ball actions. He is a true one-of-one athlete and should be able to assert himself on the offensive/defensive glass and as a disruptive defender. This year, he’s averaging a career-high 1.3 deflections per game paired with a 27% offensive usage rate. He’s being asked to initiate offense with the second unit and carry stretches of scoring. He still flashes the upside that gets NBA talking heads hot and bothered, but the consistency is simply not there. This is a classic “is the grass really always greener?” moment in a relationship. The Warriors aren’t sure Kuminga can be their guy for the short term or long term, and his inability to grow into a true second scoring star has made them question if he’s the guy for them in the long term.
Ultimatum Issuers: Zach LaVine / Ultimatum Receiver: Chicago Bulls
Zach LaVine is a separate entity from Zach LaVine’s contract. LaVine the basketball player has become underrated. When right, LaVine is a high-flying two-guard with one of the prettiest jump shots in the game. He is still able to go get a bucket when offensive flow breaks down. He’s averaging 22.5 points this year on more than 42% shooting from three while playing off the ball at a higher frequency. He’s a solid basketball player! The biggest knocks on Zach aren’t related to his on-court performance but his contract and availability. In 2022, Zach signed a five-year, $215M contract with a player option in the fifth year. With cap hits of $46M in 2025 and potentially $49M in 2026, he’s paid like a superstar. He’s also paid to be on the court, which is the biggest issue. Since 2020-21, he’s played 58, 67, 77, and 25 games respectively. Some of that is on Zach. But most of that is on the Bulls for not giving him any reason to work through injuries or prepare for a playoff run. The Chicago Bulls are a rudderless organization. Stuck in basketball purgatory for the last five years, the Reinsdorf organization is content leveraging the success of old to sell tickets and collect revenue. Zach is the boyfriend in the relationship that gets flack for not planning creative dates anymore. He’s doing his part still—dinner and a movie. Maybe some mini-golf. Yeah, he’s not planning scavenger hunts across the city, but his girlfriend hasn’t shown any sign of a willingness to commit either. Every time he asks, “What is this relationship?” she blows him off. Zach still has the upside—and it is time for the Bulls to show him that they’re equally invested or for both of them to move on.
Ultimatum Issuers: Houston Rockets / Ultimatum Receiver: Jalen Green (but also Tari Eason, Reed Shepard because we need to make this reasonable)
It is time for Jalen Green to put up or shut up. I love Jalen Green’s game. He has some of the nastiest bounce you’ll see. When JG gets going, he is a microwave-type scorer putting up some massive numbers. The consistency and flow within an overachieving Rockets team just hasn’t been there. He only has seven games with 25+ scoring this year, with three of those coming within the first week of the season. Given his well-documented defensive shortcomings, his offense betraying him has resulted in him not closing many of Houston’s competitive games of late. The Rockets are ready for JG to be the go-to, ball-dominant scorer that they can rely on, or move onto the next phase of their build. Tari Eason and Reed Shepard are like your ex’s dog that you fall in love with. Undoubtedly, they’re probably the part of the relationship that you want to negotiate visitation rights for even if you know it is not healthy for your clean break. Reed and Tari give golden retriever vibes: great energy, non-stop joy playing basketball, awesome athleticism. They’re still in their puppy years, and we know when that pup grows up we’re going to regret them not being in our life. With that said, we still know it is time to move on from the relationship. We’ll miss you, pup!
Our Proposed Swaps & How It Goes
First off, who the hell knows! But we are here for the thought exercise.
Zach LaVine --> Houston Rockets
This is love at first sight. All the things the Rockets look for in Jalen Green, they actually get from Zach LaVine. When things grind to a halt at the end of the game, Zach is able to create on-ball opportunities. Ime Udoka is able to get Zach to be an average defender, and the rest of the Rockets' length and energy make up for some of the deficiencies. Zach has stayed healthy all year, and being on a contender pushes him to continue to focus on his availability. For Zach, he gets to play for a true contender.
He has the opportunity to showcase his offensive upside that might not be at the same level but is really damn close to guys like Kyrie Irving, Devin Booker, and Anthony Edwards. Do the Rockets look back at the scrapbook of the fun days with the tantalizing upside of Jalen Green and the fun-loving nature of the other pups? Sure. Do they like winning and having a potential trump card in high-intensity playoff atmospheres more? Absolutely. For Zach, it's not a high bar for this to be successful. He lands in a perfect situation where he can play to his strengths. He gets a top-10 coach, is held accountable on the defensive end, and highlights what he can do for a competitor. Chicago Bulls who? Zach blocks Billy Donovan’s number on day one and never looks back.
Result: New hot couple alert! Let’s make these lovers a reality!
Jalen Green, Tari Eason, Reed Sheppard --> Miami Heat
Jalen Green needs a change of scenery. There is some redundancy with Tyler Herro, but Jalen can slide into a sixth-man-type role. Moving into a heat-check 3rd/4th scoring option can take some of the pressure off, and the infamous "Heat Culture" can work on the overall development of his raw talent. Jalen might be the headliner, but I’m most excited to see Tari Eason in a Heat jersey in my make-believe world. He gives the Heat the same things a younger Jimmy Butler provided: dynamic on-ball defense, game-wrecking transition capabilities, and unmatched energy.
Reed Sheppard is buried on the Rockets bench. You can never have enough shooting, and I’d be excited to see the sets and lineups Erik Spoelstra would roll out. For Jalen, Tari, and Reed, this fit is a huge boon. We see an increase in minutes, an opportunity to develop, and, of course, you get to live in Miami.
I think the Miami Heat go through the two-week trial marriage and start to see Jimmy in a different light. Competing for Eastern Conference supremacy every year (even if "competing" is a bit of an overstatement) has started to be taken for granted by Heat fans. Yes, Jimmy is an experience. Yes, I get the frustration of not knowing what you have throughout the entirety of the regular season. Without him, Tyler Herro gets thrust into a full-time #1 option. They’ll get contributions from the new guys, and there are players with theoretical upside to carry the load, but this team is going to end up sliding down the Eastern Conference. The Heat realize they’ve swung too far towards reliance on Heat Culture. They miss the reliability that superstars bring and end up regretting the ultimatum.
Result: The Heat miss their ex, but their ex doesn’t miss them. Cue the 3 a.m. phone calls—we are in Miami, after all.
Jonathan Kuminga --> Chicago Bulls
As a Bulls fan, I want this to work. As a Jonathan Kuminga fan, I want this to work. These are the two friends who have been through the ringer in the dating app world. They’ve swiped. They’ve dated. They’ve gotten invested. It is their turn, right? Wrong. Here’s what happens: Kuminga comes into the Bulls system and quickly realizes that there is no system. They’ve decided that their style is to run up and down the court, have everyone shoot threes, and play little to no defense. They don’t believe in getting stops in the first quarter and wait until about 7:00 minutes left in the second to really start playing.
He sees this as a great way to get back at his ex. The Bulls are just the glorified booty call. Kuminga puts up great stats for the back half of the year and uses it as an audition for other teams. The Bulls make the play-in game, lose, and end up in a worse spot than where they started. Kuminga doesn’t get the deal he wants because he doesn’t prove that his talents lead to winning. The Bulls are left with a roster devoid of any talent. Sigh.
Result: Complete and utter failure. Who taught these two what a healthy relationship was?
Jimmy Butler --> Golden State Warriors
Jimmy shows up in the Bay and sits down with Steph. Steph promises to get Jimmy in front of all the top Silicon Valley guys if Jimmy promises to play 80% of the regular season games. Jimmy counters that he’ll play 90% if his coffee brand can be the official coffee of the Warriors. Steph also has to do a commercial. We get a handshake. Things are off to a hot start. Steve Kerr laughs about the time when he tried to play 13 guys in an NBA rotation. Joe Lacob can alienate any Warrior fan that isn’t a $100M tech guy by continuing to jack up the prices to get into the arena. The Warriors make a deep Western Conference run in 2024 and 2025. They get one more championship. Steph and Draymond ride off into the sunset. All is right in the world.
Result: Klay Thompson reaches out to Kevin Durant for social media advice. He spirals, retweeting all of Stephen A. Smith’s tweets outlining why the Warriors won’t compete with the Nova Knicks. LeBron joins the Warriors in 2026 for one last run. The team’s logo is changed to a banana boat.
